Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
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2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
I’m not stressed
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”Finish the sentence here:
📷: elevasseur
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good