Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
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5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days