I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
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I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.