tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
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Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I beat my personal best for competitive eating today, scoffing 34 hot dogs, including buns in under 15 minutes.
I don’t suppose I’ll be invited to any more of next doors’ BBQs, however.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
