tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
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People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster
gf: you know you could have just taken a photo
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
seems like a niche market
