Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.

her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress

grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls

If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep

I never put a pair of socks together when I put them out to dry, because I think it’s nice for them to socialise with other socks & have some time apart. They’ll appreciate each other more when they’re back together.

Sometimes I think working from home may be affecting my brain.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*

Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.

I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

Me: *sings bedtime song*

4: I like that song

Me: *Sing song again*

4: I didn’t say I wanted it again

Me: *Stops singing song*

4: Why did you stop singing

Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*

you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir

Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.

Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack

Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage

*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.

Teacher: Fill out the parent form.

Me: Why?

Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.

Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.

It’s World Chocolate Day, and the latest research into human longevity shows that eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine can significantly increase your chances of enjoying yourself while you’re still here

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.