Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
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rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
