Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
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[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Best gender moment of the day is my professor normally calls on students by pointing to them and saying “lady” or “gentleman”. When he got to me, his face spasmed in confusion and then he said “you”
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
How long do you have to wait between naps?
the best part about filling out doctor appointment forms online is when you get there and they say “hello please fill out these forms”
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic