Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
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media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Truth
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*