Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
You Might Also Like
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
please do not read the flags my wife flies over our house. they are full of lies, or at least lack important context
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Me? Well, I just spent 5 minutes examining a worrisome mole before it fell off because it was a junior mint .
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.