Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!

If you sleep naked, you shower in your pajamas send tweet

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”

Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”

The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.

*points to person jogging outside through the snow*

“Look kids, a lunatic”

I need to know what happened here in 1620.

[inventing oatmeal]

make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.

I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

*serious situation*

My brain:

Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

We have haunted loft which is problem attic.

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.

Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.

Me: [left 3 hours ago]

Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.