Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
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5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I asked my son to take the garbage out and he immediately tried to pick up his brother and boys are fun.
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
concern
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.