Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.![]()
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Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
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the council will decide your fate
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you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Seriously you guys, the only reason to check Facebook, is to find out where people are going, and then go somewhere else.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
I won’t ever use botox. I want everyone to know when I’m scowling at them. My general disdain is much more powerful than my vanity.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
No one warned me how funny it would be when my 3yo started using specific buzzwords to target my weaknesses. “Mommy, we should buy this. It is ON SALE. And it is HEALTHY FOR LITTLE CHILDREN.”
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
When I laugh on my period
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