tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
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My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
🙁
“thank you all for coming to my crisis” i say as i turn to face everyone in the elevator
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
My wife has the worst taste in men.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
I’m taking my teen driving so if I don’t make it back just know my last words were probably “HIT THE F’ING BRAKE!!!”
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.