Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}

I hate what you’ve done with the place.

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?

Me: Sorry I was busy

W: Doing what?

*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*

Me: Uh..

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”

*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*

“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”

*Asteroid crushes Earth*

“Dammit Dad.”

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines

me: this glass is too small

bartender: would you prefer a tumbler

me: yes

acrobat: what can I get you

Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?

– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.

Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti

Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster

me: I’m doing marathon training

friend: that can really help you in the long run

me: I know what it’s for

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”

My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.

If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball

Please can I keep him – he followed me home!

Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.