Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

Me: Yay! No more periods!

Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

Barber: Do you want to see the back?

Me: Sure

*2 minutes later*

Barber: So, this is the staff room.

[kid, about to do something stupid]

ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.

4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?

Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.

[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone

my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….

You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet

[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot

Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.

I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!

When you grab your toddlers blanket out of the dryer make sure to check that your panties aren’t stuck to it before your toddler goes into school. I know this now.

Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.

On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.

Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.

first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it

me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.

Cop: Stop playing the race card.