Tired this morning me would like to have a word with stayed up too late last night me.
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Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
“Sheer Arrogance”
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Whoops
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Living every minute with impostor syndrome anxiety, dreading the day the other librarians discover I don’t have any cats or any cardigans.
Monday
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
dream blunt rotation
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?