Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
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Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
People buying plungers never look happy.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
She knows her part so well!
I forgot how to panic. Help
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
what ages does the sticky crusty food particles all over the fridge door handles stop? because it’s not 13, 9 and 7.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
What if we misunderstood the expression? What if it’s not time that heals all wounds but thyme, the herb, that holds mystical healing powers? And all this time God has been shouting from heaven “You idiots! Just sprinkle thyme on it!!”
Wouldn’t that be something?
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.