‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
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6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend… especially the mom that many years ago was leaving a very busy playground and her kid yelled to his brother “hurry up! Mom wants too poop pretty bad!”
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.