‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
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*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”