‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
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“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Recently I discovered when changing sex positions, it’s better to make the Transformers sounds inside your head rather than vocalizing them.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Daylight Saving Time is increasingly hard to notice when my digital are devices are like, “What? Nothing happened. We know what time it is.”
And my stove is left blinking and screaming, “IT HAPPENED! TIME SHIFTED UNNATURALLY! THEY’RE ALL LYING! ONLY I KNOW! ONLY I REMEMBER!”
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
