Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best years of my life were ages 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, and 31.

I was in my prime.

I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.

friend: the bathroom is upstairs

me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*

ME: Tell me my future.

PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.

ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!

My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?

2-year-old: An eagle!

I’m going to save so much money on college.

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

me: *screams*

my husband: goddammit

Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.

The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”

If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

Webb. James Webb.

omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face

Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR

All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane

ME: This is my therapy ham

I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.