Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach

“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.

Isn’t

If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.

Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itself

Cons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.

Son: the devil made me do it

Me: what did I say about that

Son: not to call my sister the devil

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.

*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*

Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

Stranger: Twitter is awful.

Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.

Stranger: But there are bad people…

Me: Sure, I just block them.

Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.

Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).

Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges

ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet

touring apartments is so funny bc sometimes you know the answer is no as soon as the door opens and you gotta pretend like you kinda interested as you see the rest of the place omg

*lowers head
*breaks thru 5 tackles
*hurdles lineman
*runs 100 yards
*hamstrung at goal line
*dragged back to line of scrimmage

-my wedding

Doing math together is known as fourplay.

My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?

“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad

Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

her: i love croissants

me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too