Tis the season where I eat and drink everything in sight and am then shocked and dismayed when my pants are too tight.
![]()
You Might Also Like
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
You can say whatever you want in front of your kids until they learn to talk, then you gotta button that shit up. They’ll rat you out in a second
me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-
boss: *leans in and whispers*
me: essential. they say i’m essential.
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Choose your fighter
![]()
![]()
![]()
![]()
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen