Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
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“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
Saturday
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
When you “pspspsp” too hard
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
my fav colour is also hitler
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs