Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

Always a metermaid never a meter

Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop! Oh god, PLEASE DON’T STOP.” – me to the server grating cheese over my pasta plate

Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice

Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

*has no idea what a book even is*

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.

I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.

says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach

Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!

Teen: rolls eyes

I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms

Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE

she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH

Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.

Inventing The Octopus-

God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?

#oldknees

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.

HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)

Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.