Tissue boxes be like “Hey there’s only five tissues left in here so why don’t you just take them in a giant clump.”
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Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
I can remember all the lyrics to “Bohemian Rhapsody” but cannot remember a 15 character tweet while exiting the shower.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.