Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying

Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

“So here’s a bit ab how the interview process will work:

1. initial phone screening
2. in-person interview
3. American Ninja Warrior course
4. fight to the death

If you have any questions ab this or the low-paying, entry-level job opportunity, pls don’t hesitate to ask 🤗.”

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”

Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”

Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

Therapist: have you tried meditation?

Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body

Therapist: that’s dissociation

Me: potato, potato

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.

I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.

Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill

NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur

wife: you’re drunk

me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol

Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?

some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”

Kid being grounded in 1978:

YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.

Kid being grounded in 2018:

YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.

Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.

“Let’s agree to disagree.”

TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings

What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?