Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
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I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
Magneto: Curses! How did you find my secret lair? Telepathy? Satellites?
Wolverine: every compass in town is pointing at you, bro, how do you not know this
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
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