Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
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[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
If a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. They love that.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.