#titanic
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My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right bro I should just annihilate this family of four
best first i’ve ever seen
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
It’s so obvious that she wants me. She avoids me at all costs probably because her feelings are so strong for me.
Yeah, I’ll go with that.
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
I’m not a morning person or a night person. I identify as a mid-afternoon snack.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
she has a point
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.