#titanic
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I want to meet the individual who made this
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
knights of the ikea table
Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Asked my coworker what’s wrong & he said “I’m tired of faking that I like you guys” & honestly? Mood.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
I admire how much mileage The Cut gets out of people writing about when they sleep or are awake
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
me, on a business trip calling my kids on my last night: how was your day?
6: it was good, but tomorrow is going to be great!
me: aw, because I’m coming home?
6: because it’s “dress like a winter animal day”