Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.

my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?

If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.

Me: *Eating eggs*

Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.

Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.

Winnipeg!!

*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*

*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*

Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

-Ordering a pizza $40

-Having it delivered $5

-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home

Sliceless

Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.

Bon appetit!

My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT

Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*

Cashier: you must be single?

Me: yes, lol. How did you know?

Cashier: you’re ugly.

[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?

[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH

If you read one of my posts and get mad that it doesn’t apply to your specific personal experience, you should know that I did it on purpose. I considered every possible experience and reaction and left yours out. I work against you from the shadows and will continue doing so.

First I was a pebble..

we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.

During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.