Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[taking a knee]

Surgeon: Stop that woman!

Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.

If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up

Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.

The single bravest thing you can do over 40, is go somewhere in the cold with a full bladder

Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?

Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way

North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.

If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.

To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.

*Follows dreams

*Ends up at refrigerator.

“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”

Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.

[Inside my stomach]

Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.

“At your cervix, m’lady”

– me as an OBGYN and also just me

2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.

[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah

I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!

~ me to my kids for the 387th time today

I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁

Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere

*overheard in 6’s virtual class*

6: I saw a raccoon our backyard yesterday, and I wanted to show it to my mom, but it ran away.

Kid: Oh, are raccoons scared of your mom?

Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.

Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.

GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it

HUMANITY: deal

Going to wash my car then when I get back it’s all politics for me from here on out. I don’t really pay attention so I won’t know what I’m talking about but that’s clearly not stopped any of you

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.