Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.

My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever

Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child

Many many moons ago:

Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year

Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”

Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.

If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.

Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?

[At a psychic fair]

Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?

I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)

Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.

I love breakdancing. I don’t do it…

Or watch it, even.

I just like it because it allows be to sell cardboard to rich white kids.

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo

Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.

Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers

Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.

*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone

Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour

I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting