Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.

El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.

Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.

My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…

Send help!

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?

Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”

I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.

Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake

Are you Eminem?

Let’s find out…

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?

Children: Wait, what?

Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

Was it something I said?

[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?

I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating

When I was a little girl, I always dreamed of growing up to satisfy user needs in a way that meets business goals for transformative outcomes

[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV