Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rules for rap battling Eminem:

1. Do not let Eminem go first.

2. Do not let Eminem go second.

CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.

Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.

There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today

I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.

The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

* deletes account

*reactivates

AND, ONE MORE THING…

My good tweets are in my other pants.

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!

ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.

HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!

ME: That’s fine

Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.

Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.

Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.

We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.

I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation

[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*

If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.

When I grow up, I want to be 16

if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up

follow me for more life hacks

When I tell my husband I have to go to the bathroom, he’s all like, I don’t need to know that, but bring home a new pet and he’s suddenly like, we need to work on your communication skills

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.

The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.

Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.