Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
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Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Stop looking for the perfect match.
Use a lighter.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.