Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.

Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.

gm

Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.

guy: where is our regular priest

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first

Him: this is an automatic

Me: my house my rules

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

I caught a genie! He keeps saying “I’m not a genie. Let me go!” Whatever, Ahmed. You can go when I get my magic carpet. I know my rights.

y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses

*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*

If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”

Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid the reference desk can’t offer you medical, financial or legal advice.”
“Then why would anybody even come here?”
“I don’t know, the Cheesecake Factory doesn’t offer any of those things either and people keep going there.”

Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

Received dm of the day

No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness

[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?