Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.

My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:

For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash

My back has gone out more than I have this year.

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I

I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane

Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.

My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.

a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

I made some fish tacos last night.

the ingrates just ignored them and swam away

I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.

My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.

The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.

Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*

Teen: Mom, I forgot my key and I won’t be home until midnight. Can you leave the front door unlocked?

– clearly my teen needs to watch more true crime documentaries.

[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments

Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba