titanic
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“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Had to submit an essay, in order to graduate. It was a write of passage.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes
Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
They also CAN sing✌️
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears