titanic
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I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
So when rioters are just practicing the rioting do they use Molotov mocktails?
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Number of days since I locked myself out of the house and had to climb in through a window: ZERO
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Enjoy visiting French vineyards? Then our flight school might be just what you’re looking for.
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
Risking my life for fun.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
Happy #NationalPoetryDay 🙂
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.