Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
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i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
3 yr old: “At my next birthday will I go back to normal? Will I get littler again?”
Me: “no honey. Each birthday you get bigger. You’ll continue to grow. Isn’t that cool?!”
3 yr old: starts sobbing.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes
Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”
Wife: What were the exact years of the Hundred Years War?
Me: Don’t know. Just Google it.
W: Geez, when did people stop using their brains?
M: Don’t know. Just Google it.
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
LMAO.
Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
Stop with the DiCaprio jokes. They’re getting old.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
prepare for carbonated trouble
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
It’s my cracking, popping joints that has unfortunately kept me from my career as an unexpectedly hot assassin
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.