Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again

Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.

“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”

-if Lassie had been a cat

2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.

You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.

Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult

In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.

4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.

2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah

“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”

My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.

M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.

H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.

M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.

Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.

A thread.

I’m so cultured I’m practically yogurt.

HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.

Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs

*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

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Me: Same

went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.

Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”

Me: “Which kind?”

Friend: “Motivational.”

My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”

Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”

Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?

Movie theater: Please silence your phones.

Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*