TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
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Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Same post same
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Wife: I think I’m going into labor!
Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?
Alexa, make me look good naked.
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.