Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

[first day as a pilot]

This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”

Me: NO!

My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins

Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?

Dear Kids,

“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…

What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?

Speck taters

*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Tonight I will make history!

Turns off incognito mode

If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.

Wow, it’s a shame that I’ve already accepted another job.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.

I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.

The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.

Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?

911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*