Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
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My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
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Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.