titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
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Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
She was rare, like a goth jogging
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
if you actually do the calculations, it turns out movies always give the wrong answers for equations because otherwise they owe a royalty to math
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese