Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.

exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost

sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online

When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.

When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s

How fast is milk?

It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….

[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.

I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”

Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.

I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.

Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?

Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer

[Movie Theatre]

Employee: Theatre 9 will be on your right. Oh hey buddy, don’t forget to get some candy.

8 year old nephew: My uncle already brought some. He’s hiding it.

Me:

Employee:

*my cargo shorts jiggle with the sound of 15 bags of m&m’s as I waddle away quickly*

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.

If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste

I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.

A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.

What is the HOA going to do about the noisy kids who keep coming in my house and demanding dinner and calling me mom

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password

Farm to table seasonal menus are hilarious. In August there are 17 fresh vegetable dishes described in flowing prose capped with perfectly framed Walt Whitman quotes and in January there are two sides that come down to “Jason’s sister-in-law found a bag of potatoes in the garage”

My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition

I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.