Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.

ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…

them: do you have big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.

INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.

I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

I was on a search party in the forest last night.

Bit of a boring party.

We found a dead guy though.

If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad

i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?

I like to diffuse situations with humor

And a machete

Clean sheet day!!

*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*

I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?

Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

overrated: crying in the shower

underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos

I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.

The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.

Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”