Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
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[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.