Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
You Might Also Like
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]