Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus

*first day as medical examiner*

Me: What killed him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And him?

Dr: Cancer

Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?

Dr: Nope. Sagittarius

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

They’re a pack of lions

He’s some guy who hates lions

Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE

This fall on CBS

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope

executioner: how are you talking

I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin

[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–

[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…

[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*

inside you there are two whales, one is a whale, the other is also a whale, as mentioned previously

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

Who comes up with this kinda stuff

“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people

Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.

*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.

Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.

Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?

age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable

age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable

“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…

Your honor, I wasn’t trying to Tokyo drift, I WAS Tokyo drifting. Make sure that’s in the official record.

A drone was spying on us in the yard this morning, so I did what I needed to to protect my family… finished shovelling the snow with no pants on so it left right away