Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Have you seen the salsa?

Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom

Her:

Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend

6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat

Me: I…I’m not sure what to do

My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something

i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made

Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

[at the gym]

Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”

Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”

if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.

One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week

One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.

Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.

Me: Silently? No.

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?

Me: Um…

PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?

Me: My —

PS: Tummy tuck?

Me: (looking down)

PS: Breast augmentation?

Me: What’s wrong with my —

PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?

Me: (bursts into tears)

when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.