#titanic
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“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
Cab driver earlier asked if I minded listening to some traditional French music. It was lovely until his accordion got wrapped around the steering wheel and we went through a fence.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
mr sandman / bring me some beans
(bum bum bum bum)
I’ll take some refried, lima, pinto, or green
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.