Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[any baby is born]

society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds

Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything

Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”

Turkeys are crazy.

They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.

Must be a safety in numbers thing.

Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.

You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.

My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen

“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this

What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

this made my day 😂

leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker

Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”

My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”

My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”

Thanks to a fan for this one.