Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I said it must be my weekend immune system.

For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.

It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now

They should combine the running of the bulls with tour de France next year.

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral

FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate

Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.

“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭

OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?

Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.

16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.

Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.

16: Exactly, pick something else.

Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*

WE ARET HROUGH

maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*

ROUGH WEATHER

whoa better pack an umbrella

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.

It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.

30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.

Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*

Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?

Me: I was only going one way…

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.

1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer