TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
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Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
me: it’s weird there are so many stoners in high school now. the whole time I was in high school, I never even saw a beer, and no one did drugs
my children:
me:
my children: mom, we don’t know how to tell you this, but they did, you were just a nerd and they didn’t tell you
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
The only function of a middle name is so a child can assess how much danger they’re in.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Denise please return my vape pen
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT