Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: tell me want I want to hear baby

Me: your order is on its way

Her: oh god, yes!

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*

i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people

I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it

Review for this new shatter I just tried:

Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.

“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”

A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?

Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?

Me: when you’re a parent, you just no

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain

I beg you to euthanise me

MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.

Haters gonna hate.

Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…

*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*

Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp

Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?

Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

*looking at my messy home*

Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.

*5 mins later, crying*

I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!

I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.

I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.

I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.

I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.

The cat gives me the allergies…

♾

There’s a window in my living room that wasn’t there yesterday. No matter what time it is, when I look out, all I see is a vast and eternal night. Something gaunt and yellow-eyed comes by and peers in, occasionally tries to open the window. I’m gonna get it with the spray bottle.

1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent

if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured

When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.

Girl: Cute dog

Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog

Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent

I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed