[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
You Might Also Like
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
“How much for the mannequin in the clown outfit?”
“Sir, she came in with you!”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader