Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.

we don’t understand the earliest recorded jokes from ancient mesopotamia because we lack necessary context. what if there’s a guy in 4,000 years like “my theory is they had specially trained shrimp that did all of the rice frying”

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.

Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried

*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*

*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*

Son: Daddy, when does this end?

Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death

Son: I mean when does this party end?

Me: 7.30

by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

[putting away groceries]

I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago

How to really enjoy the rain:

1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”

*at a restaurant*

Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward

Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes

it’s important to know at least one guy who you find really annoying but who is also very similar to you. it keeps you humble and aware

[commercial for mops]

*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*

“There has to be a better way”

Narrator:MOPS

my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.

The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see

DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.

closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

News Reporter: …and once again Spider-Man saves the day. This city would be nothing without our amazing hero.

Drunk Radioactive spider: *throws bottle at TV* I MADE HIM!!!

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*

– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.