Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.

– me as a therapist

I trust my car navigation the same way I do the floor arrows in Ikea and If we end up in a lake… so be it

I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.

Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one

Women’s magazines:

Page 5: accept yourself for who you are

Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week

Page 12: best cake recipe

Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.

Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*

Pirate Lois Lane: OMG

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

Legend 🤣🤣

Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???

You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway

ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume

Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes

god, never seen san francisco this bad. spiderwebs completely covering entire business, skeletons just strewn about sidewalks in every neighborhood, things have got to change

wife is going to Sarajevo for work and my father in law was like “be careful, that is not a safe country, archduke Franz Ferdinand was shot there”

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

I hope Hell freezes over soon. A few women have promised me dates when it happens.

i’m still crying at this

INTERVIEWER: Do you have any references?

ME: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

INTERVIEWER: What?

ME: *leans in really close* That’s a Star Wars reference.

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

3yo: Dad, have you ever seen a dinosaur?
ME: No. No one has. They lived during a different time.
3yo: How sad–
ME: Well it’s a liitle sad, but that’s the circle of life; & if dinosaurs had not perished, we probably wouldn’t–
3yo: How sad no one knows what dinosaurs taste like.

getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.