Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.

It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.

If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.

Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.

*Love in the time of coronavirus*

Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?

me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck

craps dealer: no soup at the table

We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”

I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.

I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.

The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.

Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!

*sigh*
Me: thanks God!

some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Guy who doesn’t respect the walkie talkie rules: Ugh, I’m so hungover

Guy who does: rlly 👀? Over

#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.

I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.

When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.

I wanted to start writing a sewing blog

But I lost my thread

Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.

Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”

How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?

[planning vacation]

Alexa, show me extradition treaties