[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
You Might Also Like
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Guys with balls hangin from ur truck. that would mean ur truck is a man,yes? Which means you like to be inside a dude all day. Lol homo. : p
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Sorry I handed you a broom when you asked for a ride.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.