[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
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My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar