[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
You Might Also Like
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.