[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
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‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
7yo: Is that you in the picture?
Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?
9yo: You look different.
7: Yes, your face was skinnier.
9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.
Me: That’s enough fun for one day.
That’s fair
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
is nasa ok
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away