[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
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I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
Ok, mammals, you had your chance. I’m voting for a reptile this year.
My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.
Thanks for following.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.