Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[framing store]

SALESPERSON: how can I help you

ME: make it look like my wife did a murder

Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain

Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck

[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father

It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have antybodies

[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.

[yelling into desk phone] I’ve got Giacomo Bologna on the banana shortage

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.

Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”

2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son

*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*

Well, there’s always next year

My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory

You: 2020 couldn’t get worse

Murder Hornet: Hold my venom

Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.

One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life

“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”

~Me passing out candy on Halloween

I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine. Also, I’ll tell my mom

animal planet had a show called “the most extreme” where they would do lists of animals. they did an episode on the deadliest animals. i was ten years old when i watched this episode and i cannot tell you how pissed off i was when they revealed that number one was “mosquito”.