To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
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The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Ha
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[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.