To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
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When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.
That’s the moment you wish you had kids.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
My dad just called because he was thinking of me & loves me. And THAT’S why I never danced on a pole. Well, that and I got too dizzy.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
